A GUIDE TO OFFENSIVE DRIVING IN L.A.
As anyone who drives a car in Los Angeles can tell you, it’s a jungle out there. This town gets more crowded every day, making even more difficult to maintain the high standards of safety we have come to expect from the defensive driver. Much has been said and printed about the obvious benefits of defensive driving. But the rest of the motorists in Southern California seem to follow a different set of driving rules. As a service to everyone who must drive a vehicle as part of their jobs, the following is presented, in this GUIDE TO OFFENSIVE DRIVING:
1. Always follow the person in front of you closely. This prevents less considerate drivers from cutting you off.
2. Eliminate distracting driving habits such as signal lights. Not only does this leave you a free hand to eat, smoke, comb your hair, text etc., but will force other drivers to give you more room if you keep them guessing.
3. Always play your radio loudly. This way your attention is focused on the road instead of on blaring sirens and honking horns.
4. Parking in this city is sometimes difficult. But most lots have a reserved place very close to where you need to go. It is marked in blue and painted, “Handimap” or something like it, and is there for busy important people like us.
5. In California, “STOP” usually means anything less than a ten-mile-an-hour glide through an intersection. At unmarked intersections, right of way goes to the larger vehicle.
6. A tip for avoiding long left turn lines: cruise through the intersection and swing a quick U-turn. You can then make a rapid right turn. You may notice other drivers congratulating you for your smart move with friendly L.A. horn honks.
7. Do not pass people on the right unless you have enough room to cut in before hitting a parked car.
8. Be sure not to let your seat belt hang out the bottom of the door. It will get dirty.
9. Remember, speed limits are a suggestion! If everyone else is going really fast, it must be okay for you to speed up.
10. Courtesy is very important. If other motorists don’t show you any, show them your middle finger.
There are plenty of other rules for offensive driving, but is wise to remember that no matter offensively you drive, there is someone out there who can do it better.