Tag Archives: comedy


Seven things that prove your toaster is out to get you

I decided against a toaster oven in favor of an old fashioned pop up toaster many years ago. Its always been a love hate relationship. I dont enjoy cold food, so the toaster makes sandwiches more delicious.  Toast is a great snack and the perfect delivery system for all the wonderful things languishing in the fridge.  Like butter…..(mmmm butter) cheese, jam, and mayonnaise. You know that eggplant spread you bought at TJ’s six months ago, opened and had once? Sounds like a snack to me, smeared on toast.    Tea and toast are great when it’s cold or you are ailing.

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Fun facts:

The toaster was invented in Scotland; we have the Scots to thank for Golf, whisky, the toaster and probably, men wearing skirts and no underpants.  According to wikipedia, the toaster is the most common house hold appliance.  Without a toaster we would be reduced to holding bread over a flame and trying to, well, toast it. While doing the heavy research needed for this article I found the fold up camping toasting offered at menards.com.

This offers an excellent alternative to the evil pop up toaster.

 

Your toaster hates you, and I can prove it.

 

burnt

1. It burns your toast.

Your toaster is trying to find out your exact level of ADD. It triumphs when you get distracted so it can go ahead and burn the crap out of that expensive, organic whole grain farm bread. It exalts if it’s the last slice. It will mock you as you try to scrape the burned portion off in the sink, because it knows that the crumbs will get stuck in that hard to clean crevice behind the sink, because your toaster loves filth. Which brings us to number 2.

2. It’s a filthy animal.

There, I said it. Where do all those crumbs come from? I am glad I dont live in a climate where cock roaches at prevalent, because probably I wouldn’t get to have a toaster.  You can never shake all of them out, the crumbs I mean, and probably disgusting insects.  If you try and just clean up the evident crumbs the toaster triumphs and ejects a few more. A wet rag just makes the crumbs sticky. The vacuum is a decent solution but the toaster may have some sort of grease option it’s waiting to deploy. Cleaning the toaster is unrewarding because this is impossible.

3. Your toaster is sneaky.

There is no predicting when your toast will go from pale and soft to incinerated, because your toaster it can do this with great speed, or at a leisurely rate depending on how much it wants to mess with you. It likes it if you forget about your toast entirely and find the bread un-toasted and dry later on. But what it really enjoys is burning bread.  It wants to get a totally new response and level of disappointment from you. Sometimes it will pop the toast up prematurely, causing you to go for another round or two.  Adjusting the settings wont help. Toasting can occur anywhere from .25 seconds to about 3 hours. It depends on how well you are watching and waiting.

4. It refuses to collaborate on the meal.

I want to put my eggs on top of my toast. Not on the plate. Eggs are very time sensitive and I don’t want them over cook while I wait for the toaster. The toaster will take it’s time if it knows it has my full attention. It’s hoping I will become distracted by a text message or a cat video or something so it can burn my toast AND make me over cook my eggs.

and your toaster has a surprise waiting for you…..

5. It’s hoarding a piece of crust

It’s waiting for the optimal moment to set it on fire. Maybe mine will do this while I am cooking eggs.

_40648528_toast2_2036. Your toaster may play on your lack of purpose and insecurities by burning an image of the Virgin Mary or Jerry Garcia on your bread.

Ok, your toaster is just messing with you here. But if it actually creates purpose in your life who am I to judge?

7. More people are killed by toasters than by sharks.

I’m not kidding, and neither is Reuters. The true triumph of any toaster is when a bagel gets stuck and erupts into flames.  You may be tempted to try to remove it with a knife or fork which will cause YOU to erupt into electrical flames.

In our next article we’ll discuss passive aggressive responses of refrigerators and the “use by” date. ~brooke

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